"On the 3rd Day he rose again...and drank Tiger Blood"

Lots of topics to be discussed in this latest blog...where to begin?

First of all, I would like to ask London Underground to give up on "Signals" once and for all! I mean...i failed Physics twice in College so I quit and I havent looked back (apart from now obv). But a week hasnt gone by since I moved to London, without the Jubilee line being delayed due to poxy "Signal Failures"...GET IT SORTED!

Also, and I know this is in very bad taste, but how come people always seem to throw themselves in front of the tube during rush hour on a week day! Do it on a weekend you selfish prats!...Although I dont blame them as the Tube is always down on the weekends for "Planned Engineering Works" aka "Planned Retarded Not Works".

And I know what some of you are probably thinking, "if it's that bad, why dont you just get a bus", well listen, the bus in London is like a fat ugly chick in a Nightclub, everyone knows you can go home with it...but it's a last resort!

The nightbus on the other hand is completely different. All classes of society get the nightbus, from the trendy members of the upper middle class to be homeless drug addicts...its like a dinner party at Kate Moss' house!

That reminds me, i'm so sick of women defending Katie Price aka Jordan by describing her as "a fantastic business woman"...i mean...so are prostitues! To me, its like defending Joseph Fritzel by saying "say what ya like about Fritzel, he was great at DIY..did you see that dungeon!?"...now now before you go mad, I am in no way comparing Katie Price to Joseph Fritzel...nah cause at least he's famous for a reason!

I hope you have all checked out the latest interviews with the one man party Charlie Sheen? If not, do it now! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emEM5H9NgTI
It is literally the best interview I have ever seen in my life. In case you've been living under a rock for the last 2 months, ould Charlie has been fired by Two and a Half Men due to his drug and porn star fuelled benders where he has spent thousands on drugs, women and booze.

He was the highest paid actor in Television history for his role on Two and a Half Men but doesnt mind been fired as he can now work on his real life role in Two Sluts and a Junkie starring his two girlfriends and his "winning" self.

During one of the interviews, he was asked if he was currently on any drugs and responded with the excellent "I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body." ....and then it hit me....this drug called "Charlie Sheen" has side effects that involve delusions of grandure, ridiculous interviews, denial and a melted face?....THAT'S IT!....Colonel Gaddafi is addicted to Charlie Sheen!

The evidence has been right in front of us all along and we only now realise! Look at it, Gaddafi's Lybian people are revolting in the hundreds of thousands while he claims in interviews he loves his people and they love him. He has a face like saddle and has 40 bodyguards...all of which are women or as he calls them "Amazons"...this all sounds very Charlie Sheen like. He probably innocently started on Mr Sheen, which is of course a gateway drug to Charlie Sheen and it has since spiralled out of control.

So forget the UN, forget declarations of No Fly zones....we must and have to send in Conchata Ferrell  aka Burta from Two and a Half Men...no one has more first hand experience in dealing with addicts of Charlie Sheen and I believe her sarcasm and constant carrying of a wash basket (always has one in her hands) are the only cure for the adled dictator. Our thoughts and prayers are with the Family and Amazons of Colonel Gaddafi.......o and the Lybian people.

Was thinking today...how come we know that Jesus' Birthday was on December 25th but we dont know the date he died and even more alarmingly, rose from the dead?! When they were writing the bible, shouldnt that have been something they should have put in? "And so he died for our sins and then on the 3rd day he rose again"..."O holy shit!? really?? So when did that happen?".."ummmm sometime in April I think?....maybe it was March, dont worry about it". For christ sake (pun) I can remember the date my budgy "Magic" died....09/08/1997 if you're askin....so you'd think they'd remember the date their lord and saviour died and rose from the dead!

That's one thing that bugs me about the bible, they slip in a declaration of a resurection and then get all vague on us! And the amount of other details  they do tell us about him! Let's see what we know about Jesus from the bible:

• Born on Xmas, which must have sucked cause he probably only got 1 present instead of Bday and Santa presents.

• He had long hair, a beard and loved wearin sandals....so he looked like a student.
• And lastly and perhaps most importantly, he loved pancakes....pancake Tuesday.

I recently witnessed the physical definition of irony while out in London; a group of homeless people dancing around a ghetto blaster to "House" music.....it may actually have been garage music but the point still stands.

That same night, my friend who was visiting from Ireland insisted I bring him to a place with a huge que to get in as he had a theory that the place with the biggest que, must be the best.....so I brought him to A & E.

Myself and my girlfriend are really into Atheletics, ya know Marathons and 10ks etc. There's some things people never warn you about when you start getting into long distance running. For example a lot of men get bleeding nipples doing long distance running. Yea runners get that and gimps get that. Now that I think of it, there's quite a few similarities between long distance male runners and gimps:

• both runners and gimps have a strange hobby that soon enough alienates them for their friends
• they both have a fondness for tight fitting spandex clothes
• and above all else, they're probably only doing it so they dont have to talk to their girlfriends!

Well that's all for now!

Den