Long time no blog!

Well I'm back!

It's been a while. Marathon training over the summer was more time consuming (not to mention energy consuming....totally mentioned it!) than i planned and as a result the comedy took a back seat. But as my good friend Willy can confirm, a lot of fun can be had on the back seat!

It's Thursday 17th of November at round 7.30pm and I cant stop singing Seal's "Kiss from a rose". Someone had the vid on their facebook and it's an intoxicating song I have to admit. Always found it ironic that one of the worst ever Batman movies had such a good soundtrack. That song and U2's "Kiss me, thrill me". Way to go Joel Schumacher, blow the budget on the soundtrack and then you have to resort to getting Chris O'Donnell to play Robin!...priorities man. That reminds me, I read somewhere that the soundtrack for Easy Rider (not a porno) cost 8 times the budget of the actual movie! That's ridiculous! People need to take note from Seinfeld and save money by just having a light hearted base guitar riff between scenes...imagine that in Schindler's List for example??

Completed the Liverpool Marathon a few weeks ago and was all set to enjoy Christmas time and work on my unhealthy eating but as it goes I'm doing the Luton Marathon this Sunday. There's so much pressure to run for a Charity these days I had an idea to start my own charity to raise awareness for Male Nipple Chaffing. People don't think it's serious but I saw a dude at the marathon with blood streaming down both his milkers!...talk about Nipple Cripple...his could be in the Paralympics! That reminds me, I signed up for Movember (growing a tash for charity) and so far Ive raised £11. I think that's a pound for each hair...

I see Michael Jackson's Dr was found guilty. When MJ's fam heard the verdict in court they said "we felt like Michael was looking over us"...not the first time that's been said in a courtroom! - I said that joke at a gig last week and someone went "oooooooh" and a schoolfriend from years ago didn't take too kindly to it on facebook either. So let me set the record straight; I think Clinical/Medical Negligence is terrible and obviously sad and sure it's actually the industry I work in so I know how devastating it can be. I also understand that Michael Jackson was never found guilty of child abuse. At the same time I think it's humorous that the trial for clinical negligence that resulted in the death of a multiple time accused paedophile was treated like the brutal murder of a saint....again perspective people.

Example: Child star Macaulay Culkin before and after he hung out with Michael Jackson

      
I see racism is all the rage again. John Terry and Suarez have brought it back into the public eye. I cant keep up with all these trends. Plus I think hating anyone based on their race, gender, sexuality, religion etc is retarded!...don't get me wrong, I do discriminate., but I think we should be more specific. Like me, I hate people who try to read my free metro newspaper over my shoulder on the tube, it's free, get your own! Most of all I hate obese people...proper obese people I mean. Worst of all, I hate the ones who lose loads of weight, how come they never buy new trousers????? Every time I open a magazine these days I see a former fattie with the caption "I've lost 12 stone in 2 years!" and they're in these massive trousers. Buy some new cacks! You don't see me rocking around in my school uniform from when I was 9! "Ive grown 3 foot in 15 years!"

That's all for now, more to follow....Big shout out to John Gleeson aka the only one who reads this!

"On the 3rd Day he rose again...and drank Tiger Blood"

Lots of topics to be discussed in this latest blog...where to begin?

First of all, I would like to ask London Underground to give up on "Signals" once and for all! I mean...i failed Physics twice in College so I quit and I havent looked back (apart from now obv). But a week hasnt gone by since I moved to London, without the Jubilee line being delayed due to poxy "Signal Failures"...GET IT SORTED!

Also, and I know this is in very bad taste, but how come people always seem to throw themselves in front of the tube during rush hour on a week day! Do it on a weekend you selfish prats!...Although I dont blame them as the Tube is always down on the weekends for "Planned Engineering Works" aka "Planned Retarded Not Works".

And I know what some of you are probably thinking, "if it's that bad, why dont you just get a bus", well listen, the bus in London is like a fat ugly chick in a Nightclub, everyone knows you can go home with it...but it's a last resort!

The nightbus on the other hand is completely different. All classes of society get the nightbus, from the trendy members of the upper middle class to be homeless drug addicts...its like a dinner party at Kate Moss' house!

That reminds me, i'm so sick of women defending Katie Price aka Jordan by describing her as "a fantastic business woman"...i mean...so are prostitues! To me, its like defending Joseph Fritzel by saying "say what ya like about Fritzel, he was great at DIY..did you see that dungeon!?"...now now before you go mad, I am in no way comparing Katie Price to Joseph Fritzel...nah cause at least he's famous for a reason!

I hope you have all checked out the latest interviews with the one man party Charlie Sheen? If not, do it now! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emEM5H9NgTI
It is literally the best interview I have ever seen in my life. In case you've been living under a rock for the last 2 months, ould Charlie has been fired by Two and a Half Men due to his drug and porn star fuelled benders where he has spent thousands on drugs, women and booze.

He was the highest paid actor in Television history for his role on Two and a Half Men but doesnt mind been fired as he can now work on his real life role in Two Sluts and a Junkie starring his two girlfriends and his "winning" self.

During one of the interviews, he was asked if he was currently on any drugs and responded with the excellent "I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body." ....and then it hit me....this drug called "Charlie Sheen" has side effects that involve delusions of grandure, ridiculous interviews, denial and a melted face?....THAT'S IT!....Colonel Gaddafi is addicted to Charlie Sheen!

The evidence has been right in front of us all along and we only now realise! Look at it, Gaddafi's Lybian people are revolting in the hundreds of thousands while he claims in interviews he loves his people and they love him. He has a face like saddle and has 40 bodyguards...all of which are women or as he calls them "Amazons"...this all sounds very Charlie Sheen like. He probably innocently started on Mr Sheen, which is of course a gateway drug to Charlie Sheen and it has since spiralled out of control.

So forget the UN, forget declarations of No Fly zones....we must and have to send in Conchata Ferrell  aka Burta from Two and a Half Men...no one has more first hand experience in dealing with addicts of Charlie Sheen and I believe her sarcasm and constant carrying of a wash basket (always has one in her hands) are the only cure for the adled dictator. Our thoughts and prayers are with the Family and Amazons of Colonel Gaddafi.......o and the Lybian people.

Was thinking today...how come we know that Jesus' Birthday was on December 25th but we dont know the date he died and even more alarmingly, rose from the dead?! When they were writing the bible, shouldnt that have been something they should have put in? "And so he died for our sins and then on the 3rd day he rose again"..."O holy shit!? really?? So when did that happen?".."ummmm sometime in April I think?....maybe it was March, dont worry about it". For christ sake (pun) I can remember the date my budgy "Magic" died....09/08/1997 if you're askin....so you'd think they'd remember the date their lord and saviour died and rose from the dead!

That's one thing that bugs me about the bible, they slip in a declaration of a resurection and then get all vague on us! And the amount of other details  they do tell us about him! Let's see what we know about Jesus from the bible:

• Born on Xmas, which must have sucked cause he probably only got 1 present instead of Bday and Santa presents.

• He had long hair, a beard and loved wearin sandals....so he looked like a student.
• And lastly and perhaps most importantly, he loved pancakes....pancake Tuesday.

I recently witnessed the physical definition of irony while out in London; a group of homeless people dancing around a ghetto blaster to "House" music.....it may actually have been garage music but the point still stands.

That same night, my friend who was visiting from Ireland insisted I bring him to a place with a huge que to get in as he had a theory that the place with the biggest que, must be the best.....so I brought him to A & E.

Myself and my girlfriend are really into Atheletics, ya know Marathons and 10ks etc. There's some things people never warn you about when you start getting into long distance running. For example a lot of men get bleeding nipples doing long distance running. Yea runners get that and gimps get that. Now that I think of it, there's quite a few similarities between long distance male runners and gimps:

• both runners and gimps have a strange hobby that soon enough alienates them for their friends
• they both have a fondness for tight fitting spandex clothes
• and above all else, they're probably only doing it so they dont have to talk to their girlfriends!

Well that's all for now!

Den

In God we thrust!

Well happy f'n new year everybody!
Hope everyone has new year's resolutions, as they seem to be all the rage. I think new year's resolutions are like herpes, most people get them at some stage in their life....but they tend to disappear after a while.

I couldn't help wondering what Paul Mason aka Britain's Fattest Man's resolutions are, i have a couple of guesses: 1.Roll over by March 2.Find his penis by October (Ive actually heard he's sent Randolph Fiennes and Bear Grylls on an expedition to locate his penis...but radio contact was lost at the summit of his belly button..) and 3.Have his book "Karma Sutra for the morbidly obese" published, just has 1 position, him on his back....its more of a leaflet to be honest.

I love this guy tho! He thought he was 70st and turns out he was only 58st....and he was chuffed! What was his thought process "sure that's like the average weight isn't it?"...yea FOR A WHALE!

He said when he was at his worst, he was eatin 40 packets of Walkers crisps a day! 40 a day! Imagine the amount of shitty prizes he must have won! and thank Christ he wasn't Irish! We woulda had another potato famine!

But he said he's finally found romance now and I'm a bit skeptical about whether to believe him or not. He is quoted as saying she helped him through "thick and thin"...really "thin" AND "thin"?????? I mean...unless the rest of that quote is "crisp pizzas" then i think he's fulla crap!

I see Kerry Katona has joined "Dancing on Coke"...i mean "Ice"! Now that's what I call top quality reality TV, giving a manic depressive access to blades!

But I think we should have more of these ironic celebrity twists on TV Shows, here's a few suggestions:
Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse on "Who's line is it anyway?"
An Austrian hidden camera show with Joseph Fritzel called "Big Brother.../father.../grandad)
Gary Glitter on "Are you smarter than a 10year old....or at least smart enough to not get caught with one on your computer"
Amanda Knox on "You've been framed"
and Maddie McCann on "Location, location?"........o don't be so shocked!

I hear the Beckhams are expecting again. Posh has denied rumours she's going to desperate measures to have a girl. She did say that it will be named after the place it was conceived like Brooklyn....so IVF Clinic Beckham is due this summer...........topical.

There's a taste of the material I'm trying out lately. Gigging quite a bit on London at the moment and things are going well. Also making my "acting" debut at the end of the month. The company I work for are doing a film for training and seminars and I've been chosen to play a recovering drug addict! So in researching for the role I shall watch Supahans in Peepshow as much as possible and converse with my wilder friends...as seen below.

Crazy attempts at stardom aside, I'm debating whether to do a Triathalon or Marathon this Spring/Summer. I just cant seem to get enough of bloody nipples and chaffing....like spending a night with Courtney Love i imagine (Steve Coogan would know...aha!).

Big thanks to John "You're not serious" Gleeson for coming down from Oxford to give moral support and obligated laughs at my gig in Charing Cross last night.....plus I'm pretty sure he's the only one that reads this! Despite the fact he's from Malahide and kinda looks like Aiden from XFactor, he's a good lad!

I promise I'm going to try to keep this up (that's what he said!). Now that I'm gigging a lot more its a good way to test out new material! Feedback is welcome....but if its negative ill never speak to you again!

Laters

Den

I look to like if looking like move

Hey ladies and germs,
Its been a while! A very busy few weeks indeed. Finally on my feet and working full time. Life is good. Now that I have structre, its time to get giggin! Lost my London Stand Up Virginity a couple weeks back. Just showed up to the Charing Cross Comedy Club beside G.A.Y ( lovely establishment). Asked the MC if there was any open spots and he said I could go on last. As I got myself a pint, it dawned on me that I had no material prepared! So, up I went with my usual crowd pleasing intro which went very well and then I proceeded to ramble for the next 5mins, not knowing where each story was taking me! Luckily it went very well. And while I will never come unprepared again(thats what she said), I was proud that I could make it up on the spot!

Trying to get gigs over here is a nightmare as I have less connections that WiFi!

All for now!
Den

Coming soon to a blog near you!

Hey blog heads!

As reported previously, the end of my settling mode is nigh, upon the horizon is the start of my new London Life ("init?") and with it the start of my blogging!

I shall spend my day off tomorrow setting up my broadband (to enable my frequent blogging) in my flat and the rest of the day acting out an Epiphany that hit me in the shower (as most do in my case, or on the toilet): A Running Tour of London! I'm going to run around London for the day, taking in as many of the famous sights as possible (alone...cough) with my trusty camera! Just hope the rain holds off but even if it does, what may dampen my questionably sized running shorts, can never dampen my spirits!

So that's all for now but hopefully tomorrow, I should have a detailed blog of my One Man Adventure (which has an obvious undercurrent of lameness that does not need to be highlighted!) with plenty of forced, posed pictures!

As the great Springstein once said "Tramps like us, baby we were born to run!", I assume at the time he was dating a promiscuous marathon runner!

Later,
Den

Welcome to Den Guinee's Blog

Hello there,

This is the first entry to my new blog site. In an attempt to maintain to flow of my comedy juices and tinker around with material I have decided to set this up. It's also going to be a way for me to vent my daily annoyances, gripes, news and general goings on in my little bubble.

Be warned: I am no wordsmith and am probably closer to Karl Pilkington than Stephen Fry (both funny in their own way btw) in the articulation department so dont be expecting "Memoirs of a Struggling Stand Up" because you are more likely to get "Rants of Loadmouth".

But for those of you who choose to read my entries, I hope you find them amusing, observational....and somewhat offensive.

As I have just moved to London, I am still in the "getting settled" mode (which has to be one of the worst modes out there), so my internet usage is infrequent, my working hours are excessive and antisocial and I am just not my usual self. But do not fret, my new job starts November 1st and from then on, structured and hilarious my life shall be!

Blogs entries will be pouring in and will accompanied by photographs!

So hold tight until then and I look forward to the start of my blogging (what am i saying).

Take it sleazey!
Den